Notes from

Sierra Leone

Reflections on Balance

1 September 2004

It’s been a while since I wrote to you - it seems that the more there is going on, the less time I find to write and reflect.

I’ve been learning about balance. I guess that is part of growing up. It took me until senior year at university to truly learn the value of sleep; at that time I decided that no matter how much work I had to do, I would always allow myself at least three and a half hours to sleep (I had discovered across the years of fatigue that my REM cycle is one hour and forty-five minutes, and it is best to sleep in increments of the same).

At the same time, I started becoming more in tune with other aspects of my health. For instance, I realized that despite all the times I denied to my mother that coffee in the evening would keep me awake, it actually does. I now stick to about two cups a day, early afternoon at the latest. I also discovered the importance of hydration – I had been notorious for avoiding liquids, finding the act of drinking annoying and preferring to consume moist foods such as yogurt or fruit when thirsty.

In the past several months, I’ve been learning about other aspects of balance. In January and February, I saw little but my computer screen for sixty days straight. I became a mumbling nut-case, and when I did catch someone in passing I could hear myself rambling disjointedly about the project I was working on, unable to even recall the types of topics I used to talk about before burn-out. It was like the summer after college when I found myself watching four hours of TV per day, as compared to my normal four hours every couple of months. The flashing screens would hypnotize me so that my thoughts followed the same disjointed pattern; my conversations were but tangents on tangents.

After a three-week whirlwind tour around the States (the office called it ‘Rest and Relaxation’) I returned to Sierra Leone not quite rested but certainly refreshed. In March I quietly set an eight o’clock limit for myself, and realized that it had been true that the more I worked, the more work came to me. I sought out my old friends and found that John Reader, author of the unexpectedly insightful A short biography of Africa, was right: humans need human ‘grooming’ or conversation for social and emotional balance. I rapidly regained sanity.

Dan arrived in April and brightened the following two months. We explored Freetown, went to the beaches, walked through the forests of Tiwai Island, toured the western peninsula with our flatmates, and adventured through Northern Province to camp in Outamba Kilimi National Park. We hung out with other aid workers, Sierra Leonean environmentalists, British Army officers, and students. Dan was there for me when Anthea and Artemis were critically injured in May and assisted me as I picked up leadership of the girls’ work toward a ‘National Vision for Sierra Leone.’ Dan is now the only person from my other, pre-Sierra Leone life that can relate and discuss with me the life, people, and issues that have formed my home environment for over a year. Though he left in mid-June and we later acknowledged that our life paths were too divergent for a romantic relationship, he is still my friend, sounding-board and support.

The helicopter crash on 29 June affected everyone in my office deeply. The atmosphere in the office changed following the deaths of our country director and administrative adviser. The tensions over human resource management and the ever-present expatriate versus national staff dichotomy suddenly seemed petty. Allan, Country Director, worked diligently since his arrival in November 2003 to improve accountability among staff, while Barongo, Administrative Advisor, gently yet persistently endeavoured to bring staff together toward our common goal (he always signed his emails ‘One Team!’) But people are resistant to change; in a way it is almost easier to have something to complain about.

It took the deaths of Allan and Barongo to jolt us into reassessing our priorities, and prioritizing our human relationships with each other and our relationships with the people who stand to benefit from our work. We listen better to each others’ perspectives and support each other where we can. I hear my boss asking how I am doing and meaning it, and I try to do the same, realizing what a difficult position he is in at the top of the organization, where he carries all the pressure but receives little thanks and emotional support.

Now, at work, I am always cognizant of the purpose of my work, and also the fact that it is pointless without the joint efforts of my colleagues. Even on the long, tiring days, I cannot blame anyone for assigning me ‘too much’ work; if there is more work it is because there are more opportunities to help others. At the same time, I started making new friends and paying more attention to the ones that I had. Life is short; we all know it in our heads, but I guess you never truly understand it until something like this hits. I don’t know which tomorrow will be the last day for my friends, my family, my colleagues, or me, so I want to be sure that every today is full of goodwill and no day ends with unresolved arguments.

It’s funny – reflecting on growing up, I now see how narrow the walls of my world were: when the most important things in my life were grades, friends, and boys, and the most upsetting things were arguments with my brother, rumours invented by classmates, or groundings by my mother. I thought about the world, but I didn’t know what was out there; as far as jobs went, I only knew that one could be a computer engineer, doctor, lawyer, teacher, or retail clerk, although I was sure there must be something else that made the world go around.

I am twenty-four; I know I am not old by any means, and as I realize how the walls of my world have expanded in a few short years, I am excited to be getting older. Although I don’t know what I will know in the coming years, I am thrilled at the prospect of finding out.

Next article: Local Government Training

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in the personal notes are my own. Facts presented are accurate to the best of my knowledge, but this site should not be taken as an authoritative resource.

Copyright © 2004 Julie Greene